So, you messed up. You said something hurtful to a friend, behaved inconsiderately around a co-worker, or maybe even offended half the internet.
Now, it’s time to apologize. And, as a few recent incidents in Indianapolis have proven, this is where things really can (and did) go wrong.
It’s not easy to say, “I’m sorry,” the right way. There’s an art to making a genuine apology, so Mirror Indy talked to five local experts to get their advice – people who find themselves guiding people through apologies pretty often.
Our experts included:
Denise Herd
Owner of Herd Strategies, who has helped high-profile organizations during times of crisis.
Winterbourne Harrison-Jones
Pastor of Witherspoon Presbyterian Church in Indianapolis.
Jennifer Vincent
Licensed mental health counselor whose focus areas include PTSD, childhood trauma and LGBTQIA+.
Lillian Snyder and Christy White
Kindergarten teachers at Indianapolis Public Schools who mediate classroom apologies every day.
Each shared how they teach others to apologize after they’ve wronged someone. And spoiler alert: There’s not one best way. As Pastor Harrison-Jones said, “It’s not about right or wrong. It’s not about winning or losing. It’s about arriving at a newfound place of understanding grounded in the shared humanity of the other.”
Their responses to our questions have been edited for length and clarity.
Q. What are do’s and don’ts for apologizing?
Do’s:
Pastor Harrison-Jones
“Empathy is essential – trying your best to understand the perspective of the other and recognizing that it may not be a perspective you share yourself. Listening is key. You listen to understand, you listen to proceed.”
Denise Herd, PR professional
“There needs to be sincerity and also action behind the apology.”
Jennifer Vincent, therapist
“A good apology starts with full accountability: ‘I’m really sorry, I showed up late. I can understand why that would be really upsetting.’ And leaving it there – acknowledging your part and then allowing the other person to acknowledge their part, too.”
Christy White, kindergarten teacher
“I’ll remind them that you’re supposed to say, ‘I’m sorry,’ for what it is that you did. And then ask how they can make it better.”
Don’ts:
Denise Herd, PR professional
“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it. If you truly don’t feel as though you are sincere, or will make the changes the apology represents, then don’t.”
Jennifer Vincent, therapist
“Don’t say, ‘I’m sorry,’ and then use the word ‘but.’ ‘So sorry, but I hit traffic.’ I think sometimes people get caught up in a defensive approach, and why their behavior was right.”
Christy White, kindergarten teacher
“Don’t force (people) if they don’t want to apologize. I try to guide them to apologize.”
Q. How quickly after the problem happens should you apologize?
Pastor Harrison-Jones
“If you recognize in the immediate moment that an offense has been made, then you apologize. ‘Oh, I didn’t mean to offend you. Oh, I’m sorry.’ But beyond that, I think there’s an obligation to delve more deeply into what was offensive. Because again, what I’m arguing is that growth is the end.”
Denise Herd, PR professional
“I often say that it is very fair to apologize immediately (for what you did), or apologize for what the person on the other end is experiencing. It shows that you do understand that there’s something that may have the potential to compromise a relationship.”
Jennifer Vincent, therapist
“Within 24 hours. The longer the time goes on, we forget our own feelings with it or the feelings increase, so we get really upset, really angry.”
Lillian Snyder, kindergarten teacher
“The closer the apology is to the harm that’s been done, the more impact it has for little brains because we move on pretty quick.”
Q. What’s the responsibility of the person receiving the apology?
Pastor Harrison-Jones
“Recognizing that – particularly if it is from an authentic place – that we are all works in progress. Just because I made an offense, just because I’ve said something wrong, just because I have not done something perfect or it’s caused some harm, does not mean I am to be discarded.
“If someone harms me, I do not throw the entire person away. So if you are the one on the receiving end of an apology, and the thing or the person that you are engaged with has value, recognize that this may be an opportunity for grace.”
Denise Herd, PR professional
“Once an organization has apologized, the end user or the receiver should consider giving the organization a chance to turn things around. Listen to what the organization is saying and give them the chance to follow up on and take action on that apology.”
Jennifer Vincent, therapist
“It’s such a learned behavior of just saying, ‘It’s fine, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.’ But this negates your own feelings about it, and allows the other person permission to continue their poor behavior.”
Q. What should you do after you apologize?
Pastor Harrison-Jones
“Follow the leader. People interpret things differently. Some may jump back into business as usual, and some people may need time to process their feelings.”
Denise Herd, PR professional
“We go back in and try to fix the problem or identify what the problem is. We come back after the apology to share with whomever – the community or the individual – the things that we’ve put in place to ensure this doesn’t happen again.”
Jennifer Vincent, therapist
“Ask, ‘What can I do to make it better?’ Some people don’t feel comfortable (answering the question), but I think it’s OK to say, ‘I really want to try to mend this. Is there anything at all?’”
Lillian Snyder, kindergarten teacher
“The follow-up question in my classroom is, ‘Are you OK?’ If you have something to apologize for, some kind of harm has been done. So we find out if the person’s OK. Usually that results in getting an ice pack or something small that the other kid can do.”
Q. What do you believe and teach about forgiveness?
Pastor Harrison-Jones
“Forgiveness, for me, is a recognition that a wrong has been committed. And yet, there’s still hope on the other side of the event. Forgiveness means that something traumatic, dramatic or painful has occurred. That is not the end.”
Denise Herd, PR professional
“We all want to be forgiven. We usually have no right to hold grudges against one another. Now you can forgive, but you don’t have to frequent that organization or support them anymore.”
Jennifer Vincent, therapist
“You don’t have to forgive everybody. I work a lot with pretty significant trauma, a lot of childhood trauma – families who were emotionally neglectful or abusive in some way.
“We live in a society that believes that in order for us to heal, we have to forgive and make amends. And we don’t. But that doesn’t mean we can’t heal and move past it. Forgiveness can be different things. It doesn’t have to be black and white.”
Have a question about how things work in Indianapolis? Email Sophie Young, service journalism reporter, at sophie.young@mirrorindy.org.