Silencing the critic known as ‘mom guilt’

Once, a friend told me that motherhood is the greatest sacrifice. It’s sacrificing who you were to become someone new.

Before motherhood, I birthed creative projects like magazines, festivals, art exhibitions and galleries. I don’t remember thinking about the mothers in my life. I respected them, but their sacrifices didn’t appear to me back then. I was a selfish twentysomething focused on keeping my art and creativity relevant.

I couldn’t comprehend a sacrifice.

Once pregnant, I didn’t think anything would change with a baby. It’s something I would come to understand after multiple hospital stays due to gestational high blood pressure and hospital visits twice a week to monitor my baby’s health.

In the end, I had a beautiful baby girl. I named her after a song that tenor saxophonist John Coltrane created for his wife. I sacrificed my art to focus on my greatest creation.

My maternity leave turned into a two-year work-from-home stint, and I kept trying to bounce back. I performed tarot readings with clients, launched a Patreon, curated multi-day performances for a stage during an NCAA tournament and attempted to revive my Black artists-focused magazine, FAF Collective.

I kept chasing the free time and the old feeling of being untethered. It didn’t work. My inner critic was the loudest, always reminding me of what I wasn’t doing. That critic was later named, “mom guilt.” I had to learn that I’ll never go back to who I was and focus on the gifts that I have now. I had to drop a few things I was juggling to focus on my baby.

Five years later, I’m a different person. I never stopped chasing creativity, but I learned that I can’t do everything anymore. I have to prioritize and let go when it doesn’t make sense. My child is my first priority, and anything else can wait.

Life doesn’t stop when you become a parent, but it is the ultimate sacrifice. You’ve got to learn to juggle.

Ariana Beedie is a millennial Aries mom of a Gen Alpha Capricorn diva princess. Guess who’s in charge? You can reach her at ariana.beedie@mirrorindy.org.