Beyond the floral bouquets and brunches, for some, honoring the mothers and matriarchs of our lives can often be marred by complicated feelings.
While some people might be grieving, estranged or separated by distance, the collective Free Mom Hugs believes in spreading maternal love all year round.
Free Mom Hugs emerged in Oklahoma when a mom at the 2015 Oklahoma Pride Parade wore a button that read “Free Mom Hugs.” She hugged hundreds of people that day — one even confessed that her mother hadn’t hugged her for years since she came out as a lesbian.
It didn’t become a movement until 2018, when the same mom posted on Facebook: “PSA: If you need a mom to attend your same-sex wedding because your biological mom won’t, call me. I’m there.” It went viral.
Now it’s a nationwide movement with over 37,000 volunteers and chapters in all 50 states. Their mission? Spread love.
They may initiate the hug, but they never pull away first, inviting people to “really get what they need, whether it’s two seconds or minutes,” says Kathleen Berberich, one of the mothers from the Free Mom Hugs’ Indianapolis chapter.
Across the country, people are mobilizing to make people feel loved and accepted, whether through a hug, high-five, fist bump or a loving smile. And, it’s not just moms! Anyone can join. In fact, many people request dad hugs.
We spoke with three mothers from the Indianapolis Free Mom Hugs chapter about the healing powers of a hug, and why they do what they do.
What do you hope people will feel from your hugs?
Sarah Fredlund: Comfort and acceptance. I want them to know that they’re perfect the way they are. They deserve love for just being who they are.
Kathleen Berberich: I hope they realize that there are people who accept them for who they are without judgement or any kind of preconceived notions.
Describe a time when you received a hug that you really needed.
Fredlund: Almost 20 years ago now, we had a miscarriage and I was at the doctor’s alone. This doctor had delivered my first two kids so she knew me well, but she hugged me in that moment. And that was really important to see it wasn’t just a job for her, she cared and she was so upset for us, too. At that time, no other hug could do what hers did.
Berberich: There was one couple I met at Indy Pride of Color last year at Garfield Park, who came up and they said that they had gotten married the year before, but neither of their parents were at their wedding. I was talking to them about my son because he had just gotten married, and so I gave each of them a hug, and it was so intense. We hugged for a long time. Like a long, long time.
Darcy Parks: My first hug at Free Mom Hugs is probably the one that stands out the most. I was at Greenwood Pride, and she couldn’t have been 19, and she was kind of poking around at the stickers and looking at stuff at the table, and, you know, just kind of small talk. I offered a hug, and at first, she seemed like maybe she wasn’t vibing with a hug.
She was leaving and then she kind of was like, “You know what? I will take a hug.” I hugged her and I felt her hug me tighter. I could feel that she was shaking a little bit and crying. It turned out that her mom had kicked her out of the house three years before that. She was a little nervous about asking for a hug, but, man, that one is what keeps me going.
Who would you hug right now if you could?
Parks: My grandma, who passed when I was 16. She would use a pen with erasable ink when she was doing her crossword puzzles, and she would be so proud of doing a crossword with a pen. But if she made a mistake, she could still easily erase it, and fix it with her ink. That just made me laugh. She was so loving and soft.
Berberich: My parents have been gone a long time, so, probably them. But also my kids. My kids don’t live here, so whenever I see them, I hug them tightly. They tease me sometimes but I don’t get to hug them every day.
As a mother, what do you share with folks about how you want them to feel?
Fredlund: If you don’t have that relationship with your mom, or you don’t have your mom, or you don’t have your kids, it can be anyone that truly loves you. It’s the love behind it that really matters.
Berberich: I always say to people, be in your feels. Feel your feelings. There’s nothing wrong with feeling sad, feeling happy, angry, whatever it is, don’t be afraid to feel it. Just sit in it for a while; don’t apologize for it.
What does “mothering” mean to you? Whether in the literal sense, or in the ways we can learn to mother ourselves, our friends, etc.
Parks: You don’t have to be somebody’s biological mother to have unconditional love for them. Find the people that love you unconditionally, and then celebrate them and let them celebrate you. Mothering is an action anyone can take. You’re creating a safe space that allows someone to feel vulnerable, protected, loved, and to show up as their full, authentic selves. Be that listening ear, that heartfelt hug. Tell them you’re glad that they’re here with you and let yourself be vulnerable, too.
How can other moms or other people get involved with Free Mom Hugs?
Berberich: Anyone 18 years or older can join at freemomhugs.org. From June to October, there’s an event every weekend. You don’t have to have a gay child; you don’t even have to know a gay person. You’re supporting people in the community.
The Indiana chapter for Free Mom Hugs is planning to attend Indy Pride Parade and the Indy Pride Festival on June 13. You can support their work here.
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Nicole Nimri is a Mirror Indy freelance contributor. You can reach her at nicolenimri30@gmail.com.
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